I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
