I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
