just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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