I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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