Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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