I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Never joke about your clitoris.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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