i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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