yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
