im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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