I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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