Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Randomize
