my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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