im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
