i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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