Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
BRING THE BAGELS
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
