dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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