so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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