we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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