was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
