ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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