It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
