I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have feelings that need drinking.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
