$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
