I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
