i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
