Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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