I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
