please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm bleeding and have questions
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
