Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
