My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We were destined to go to rehab together
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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