I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
