She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
