if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
so much tequila, so little girl.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
