I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
high people should be assigned attendants
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
