I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
