ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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