I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I need help removing her.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
