what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
