so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
