Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
