Where is the hickey?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
