2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
