I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
