??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
