Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
