Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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