i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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