dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
