That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
