Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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