i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
