I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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