based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
