Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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