It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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