My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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